www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes


Untitled Document A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"


Untitled Document Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


Untitled Document A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided.... and only one knew that the chemical was water.


Untitled Document Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."


Untitled Document The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."


Untitled Document Old Age

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"


Untitled Document The Shoplifter.....

While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.

"Look," said the shoplifter, "Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?"

Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, "Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?"


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Idiot Sighting

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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Idiot Sighting

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.


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Idiot Sighting

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


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Idiot Sighting

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing


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Idiot Sighting

I am medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.


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Idiot Sighting

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


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Idiot Sighting

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later


Untitled Document

Idiot Sighting

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.


Untitled Document In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."


Untitled Document A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."


Untitled Document From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts."


Untitled Document Funny, and sometimes insightful, Quotes:

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -- Sam Levenson

"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in." -- Doris Lilly

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. -- Garrison Keiller


Untitled Document A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."


Untitled Document A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.


Untitled Document A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Now GET OUT!!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."



Untitled Document Funny Quotes:

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even." -- Will Rogers

"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" -- Mark Twain

"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." -- Hal Chadwick


Untitled Document Mad Cow Disease

My wife of 14 years is convinced she has Mad Cow disease...

... After all, she had a fast food taco with ground beef last week, and the news reported that the meat from the infected cow had entered Oregon's food supply.

"Waaaah!", she wails, wringing her hands. "I'm sick! I can feel it eating my brain already! I'm losing my memory! I can't remember anything!"

"But Honey", I try to reassure her, "As far as I'm concerned, you've *always had* Mad Cow disease!"

.... She frowns, "Are you calling me mad?"

.... "Noooooo...", and then something struck me in the side of the head and the lights went out.


Untitled Document Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still..."

You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mama knew and said, "My child
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy!"


Untitled Document "Phone Call"

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank heaven! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothing!"



Untitled Document

Who says men forget anniversaries!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us kissing in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ...

....."I would have gotten out today."


Untitled Document Funny anonymous quotes:
When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.

Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."


Untitled Document Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.
"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."


Untitled Document At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."


Untitled Document Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."


Untitled Document Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.

As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."


Untitled Document In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (But that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use." (not sure what this one means)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."


Untitled Document For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Untitled Document A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."



Untitled Document REAL LIFE COMPANY QUOTES

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)


Untitled Document A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of cows over there."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."


The Lighter Side: Japanese Error Messages

The Lighter Side: Japanese Error Messages

Here are 14 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

  1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
  2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
  3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
  4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
  5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
  6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
  7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
  8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
  9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
  10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
  11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
  12. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
  13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
  14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


Untitled Document "I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton


Untitled Document Just Thinking"

- I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

- You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A good doctor!

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. Or looking for loopholes.


Untitled Document STANDING ALONE......

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


Untitled Document Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."


Untitled Document My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"


Untitled Document Waiters in New York are now threatening to go on strike. Apparently, they have a union of nothing but waiters. Isn't that the Screen Actors Guild?" -- Jay Leno

"According to 'USA Today,' a chain of Christian health clubs have opened up in the South. Apparently, the motto is, 'What would Jesus Bench?'" -- Conan O'Brien

"Lionel Huntz tells Homer: "This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story." -- The Simpsons


Untitled Document "The Mushroom Sauce"

Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family.

The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead.

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my G~d, it's the mushroom sauce!"

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience.

We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.


Untitled Document

Top eight dumb incidents of 2003

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate! a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE .. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


Untitled Document A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."


Untitled Document Some more of those "actual signs" that were seen by "actual people."

- At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

- At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

- On Dr. Lee, the urologist in Marin County, vanity plate "2P C LEE"

- At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

- At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."