www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes


Untitled Document During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."


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After a winter break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday. One small child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in tin boxes, they ride on big 3-wheeled tricycles and they all have name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but they must have got it fixed up, because its alright now.

They play games and do exercises there but they don't do them very good. There's a swimming pool there, but they just stand in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go to their park, there's a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get by without seeing them. When they sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but i guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night; Early birds. Some of the people don't know how to cook at all, so my grandma and grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck". My grandma says grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but i guess the little man in the doll house won't let them.


Untitled Document "The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir." --Thomas Fuller

***

"For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton." --Elayne Boosler

***

"You appeal to a small, select group of very confused people." -Message in a fortune cookie.


Untitled Document A girl says to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"


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"Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary... But You Should"

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.


Untitled Document As reported by an anonymous travel agent:

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response... click.


Untitled Document A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


Untitled Document An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."



Untitled Document "You Know It's Time To Diet When...."

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You could sell shade.

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

Your blood type is Ragu.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."


Untitled Document Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"


Untitled Document Two men were playing golf together for the very first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball into a clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, only to hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busy street.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use an old ball for this shot."

The first player replied, "I don't have any old balls."



Untitled Document One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."


Untitled Document "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." -(Attributed to a R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

***

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." --Unknown

***

"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none." --Jay Leno



Untitled Document "Careers"

"What kind of job do you do? "a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a Naval Surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"


Untitled Document "Boss Humor"

Q: What's the difference between your boss and the subway?
A: Sometimes you miss the subway.

Q: What's the difference between your boss and time?
A: You can kill time.

Q: Why won't the postman go to your boss's house?
A: Because his dog's mean, too.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and your boss?
A: One is a relentless, pain-inflicting bloodsucker. The other is just an insect.


Untitled Document Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.



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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


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I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?"

I thought, "How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

***

"I used to be an airline pilot.

I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.

They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright

***

"Times have sure changed.

Yesterday a bum asked me if I could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam." -Bill Jones



Untitled Document Lesson in Worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.


Untitled Document The State of Alabama is planning to introduce a new TV series called Survivor, Alabama Style". The decision was in response to the continuation, by a major network, of their popular Survivor series.

The contestants will start in Huntsville, travel south through Arab, down to Jasper and Birmingham, Montgomery and Maxwell Air Force Base, continuing to Dothan and Headland. They will then proceed North to Troy, Phenix City, Auburn, Sylacauga, Talladega and via Anniston and Gadsden back to Huntsville, all by secondary roads.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a large sign on each door that reads,

"I'M GAY, I VOTED FOR AL GORE, I'M IN AN INTER-RACIAL RELATIONSHIP, I'M HERE TO CONFISCATE YOUR GUNS AND DALE EARNHARDT WAS QUEER AS BATSHIT".

The first one to make it back to Huntsville alive wins!


Untitled Document "A Great Writer"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, desired to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to create words that the whole world will read, words that people will react to on a truly emotional level, words that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Untitled Document A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Nelson, Nelson, Nelson & Nelson.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Nelson in?"

The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."

He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Nelson."

"He's not with the firm any more, he passed away."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Nelson."

"He's away in Chicago, won't be back for two weeks."

"Fine! Then let me talk to Mr. Nelson."

He says, "Speaking!"


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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"


Untitled Document Roll Call...

Lt. Blondeson, fresh from training was doing the morning roll call:

"Jefferson?"

"HERE!"

"Kilbarney?"

"HERE, SIR!"

"Rawlins?"

"YES SIR!"

"Seeback?"

No response.

"SEEBACK?!"

Still nothing.

"DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"

At which point the division Chief whispered into the Lootenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."

Untitled Document "You Know It's Hot Outside When..."

~ A $20 hear surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants

~ The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves

~ You need a spatula to remove your clothing

~ When the beer gut and the butt crack don't keep you from wearing shorts

~ You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather

~ You are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

~ Lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell

~ You are sitting inside reading these jokes

~ Your sister's braces make blisters on her lips

~ You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible

~ You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man

~ The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"

~ The strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper

~ The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot

~ Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans

~ A scalding hot shower still cools you down


Untitled Document "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

~ Carl Sagan


Untitled Document The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar she noticed the groom's golf bag and clubs were standing behind the altar.

She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


Untitled Document Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."


Untitled Document I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so hot and humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.

I would stick several of them on my blouse, run outside, stick them on the appropriate items and rush back inside. I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he was looking at me strangely.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer."



Untitled Document "The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." --Albert Einstein

***

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." --Mike Barfiel


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Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,"

And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER! ! !


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I am passing this on to you-------It is definitely working for me.

I think I have found inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.

Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a cherry pie, a 12 pack of beer, a box of chocolate candy and strangled the crap out of someone I didn't like.

I feel better already.

Pass this along to those who need it


Untitled Document Lulu's boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf and figured that the best place to start was the driving range.

Upon arrival Lulu sees a sign that says the golf balls rent by the bucket.. large $5.00, medium $3.50 and small $2.00.

She turned to her boyfriend and said "How can you tell the large balls from the small balls, they all look the same size to me".


Untitled Document Jerry and Thomas driving towards each other and the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Thomas could say anything, Jerry said, "Hey, instead of fighting over whose fault it was, let's just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Thomas said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of scotch in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Jerry.

He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Thomas and said, "Here, help yourself!"

Thomas took the bottle and chugged about 6 shots of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Jerry.

"Here, you have some!"

Jerry passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the cops get here."

Untitled Document "Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"
- Anonymous

Untitled Document The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."



Untitled Document A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in.

But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.

The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"

And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"


Untitled Document "I just recently had my Visa card stolen... Right now it's everywhere I want to be." --Scott Wood

***

"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up," said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own phone bill."

***

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." --Emo Philips


Untitled Document One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."


Untitled Document A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to get started. They stroll through the house, and she points out the colors she wants.

She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like a nice beige."

The contractor mutters, "Umm, hmm...", pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

Perplexed, the woman lets it slide as they continue into the next room. "Now in the dining room I'd like an off white, bright and airy." The contractor nods, makes another note on his pad of paper, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The homeowner is even more perplexed but still she's letting it slide. They move into the next room. She says, "Here in the bedroom, I'd like blue; a peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, "Yea, OK, that's fine", writes a note... Yet again, he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

Finally overcome with curiousity, the woman has to ask, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "Oh, that... I got four blondes laying sod across the street."


Untitled Document Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.
"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.
Chelsea nodded vigorously.
"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.
Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"

Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."


Untitled Document Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Yankees and Floridians cross states such as North Carolina, South Carolina, Alabama, Louisiana, Tennessee, and Georgia those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter these States.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red Georgia clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it - they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatever, and wear your hair long - go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

10. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high schoolfootball games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with 'yes sirs' and 'yes ma'ams', and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salt back or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass and bream too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways-Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them - then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state - you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislatures (all 4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating the person up. We call that a bargain.

Now, enjoy your visit...


Untitled Document Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Johnny: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? Good for you! What was the question?"

Johnny: "Who shot the spitball at the principal?"


Untitled Document Moving on up...

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table.

The maid informed her that the cat had climbed up on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection.

Light on her feet, the hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other goodies...

As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen yet again and announced with great distress, "Madam, the cat is dead."

Whereupon, the hostess felt obliged to inform the guests and suggested it would be prudent if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, after their ordeal, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."


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Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks.

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.

When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- it was July 23.


Untitled Document More examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests:

1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.


Untitled Document "Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." --Ron Nesen

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I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

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"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's entitled, 'Women are From Venus, Men Are Wrong.'" --Unknown



Untitled Document A dog's life...

A nursery school teacher was taking a minivan full of kids home one day when a fire truck roared past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."