A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip
and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show
me something less expensive?"
Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.
The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."
The sister said, "Very good then."
The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."
The sister replied, "Good job to you."
The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."
Sister Marie fainted on the floor.
The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."
The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
"I'll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is
over, back on your heads."
Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer:
Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down
Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Paris Hilton Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands to 300GB
AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting
MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus
Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late
for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male
voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has
been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers.
“Why so many?” asked the bartender.
“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It
says ‘no one served under 18.’”
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
Customer: Do you really have cockroaches like the sign says?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment
in the condition in which I found it.
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well,
I guess it's that time of the month."
"McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house." -Bill Maher
"Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?" -Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready." -David Letterman
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien
"As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam." -Jay Leno
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." -Bill Maher
There was a story going around that said Oprah doesn't want to have Sarah Palin on her show. Oprah claims there have been absolutely no discussions about having Palin on, but that she would love to after the campaign is over. Apparently, between 'Nate Berkus' Bathroom Makeovers' and 'The Best Jeans for Curvy Women,' they're all booked up. They don't have a slot open. It has nothing to do with Obama." -Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go." -David Letterman
"Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care." -Jay Leno
"I'm sure the change that John McCain wants to bring is very different
from the change George Bush wanted to bring [on screen: video montage of speeches
from Bush in 2000 and McCain this year talking about various ways of changing
Washington -- all of them mirror each other]. Things are really going to be
different now." -Jon Stewart
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.
After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his
shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
There was a old lady that was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling.
The first man said: "Can't you see the lady rowing in the dry corn field?"
The second guy said: "Go out and tell her yourself!"
The first guy said: "I Would but... I can't swim!"
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
He plastered himself against the wall he called out for help and inched towards the voice.
Again, he heard the "Come In".
As he entered the room with a voice a second large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
He looked into the room for the person but all he saw was a parrot in cage.
Realizing the source of the voice he angrily said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."
"A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people." -- John F. Kennedy
DAD: How are your exams son?
DAD: Underwater? What do you mean?
BOY: They're below C level.
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some of those pencils with the word of wisdom from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words,
'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?"
"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?"
"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.
Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had
forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper
that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give
your father a big hug."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying
to find it."
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.
The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”
This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears.
“Why not?” asked the doctor.
The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”
The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The
monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at
him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile,
the monk walked away.
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.”
“Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny.
“Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother.
With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler?
Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post!
- The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell
- The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch
- The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2
- The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions
- The phone book has only one page
- There's nothing doing every minute
- The ZIP code was a fraction
- Second Street is in the next town over
- There's no place to go that you shouldn't
- A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
- The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog
- The New Year's baby was born in October
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want
for that whistle?"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied,
"Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me."
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as
soon as we catch him."
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have
married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
- If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed."
Nun: "I think that would be okay."
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."
Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."
Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other
wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff
at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going
on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.