www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes

Untitled Document One evening, Mary Lou drew her husband's attention to the young couple next door and said, "Do you see those two? How devoted they are? He kisses his young bride every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied George, "but I don't know her well enough."

Untitled Document One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Jerry was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Jerry."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's in memory for all the men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Jerry's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 11:00?"

Untitled Document Dad," said Jerry, "I'm late for soccer practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

I replied, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay, Dad," said Jerry, "At least you could try, right?"

Untitled Document Dr. Lewis, the econ professor, could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.

Before class ended he went around the room asking students questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the initial theories behind communism?" Dr. Lewis asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Ms. Jensen, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not necessarily true," the she replied, "I never pay attention anyway!"

Untitled Document I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense...

Because people kill people. That's an animal instinct.

I think breaking into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

On the other hand...

You should live each day as if it is your last.

Which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Untitled Document Jennifer, the secretary, came in late for work the fourth day in a row.

Her boss called her into his office and said, "Now see here Jennifer, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who the heck told you you could come and go as you please around here?"

Jennifer smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "Sid Lowenstein, my lawyer."

Untitled Document A neuro-surgeon, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are standing around the lobby of Heaven...

St. Peter asks the neuro-surgeon why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to good St. Pete that he helped people save or regain their mental capacities, often the ability to move.

Peter says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

Peter then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies.

"Welcome to heaven, my son," St. Peter says.

Finally, the HMO executive steps up...

St. Peter asked him what his contribution to humanity had been, and the man replied that he worked hard as an exec for an HMO.

"Welcome to heaven, my son," says St. Peter, "But don't get too comfortable, you have to leave in two days."

Untitled Document Louise went to the bank and applied for a loan.

"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."

"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces," the manager says. "Now, we make loans for automobiles, business expansions, home improvements..."

Cutting him off, Louise says "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement!'"

Untitled Document The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson...

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked her instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied, and continued with a grin, "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt at the same."

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An eighty year old woman goes to the Doctor for a check up. She was asked to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the doctor was looking through these, he came across Birth Control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said.

"Yes, they help me sleep at night" She said.

"But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!"

"I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Untitled Document What the WANT ADS are telling you:

If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

We remain competitive by consistently paying less than our competitors.

Just about anyone in the office can boss you around.

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

We have no time to train you.

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Untitled Document Judge Jenson had given the defendant a long passionate lecture on the evils of drink.

But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of $30.00 costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said Jenson sternly.

As the defendant turned to go he said, "I'm afraid I can't promise that, your honor..."

"And why not?" asked the Judge.

The defendant replied, "Because I'm the barkeeper at your regular tavern!"

Untitled Document Jerry passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone called 911.

The paramedics arrived, helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Untitled Document A new miracle doctor just got in to town...

He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do.

Everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," says the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he's got the doctor stumped now, he waits as the doctor scratches his head, mumbles to himself a little, and tells Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Thompson fled the room!

Untitled Document A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed to his surprise that the table had been set with forks...

He asked the waiter, "Why don't you all use chopsticks?"

The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"Ah, very true," the waiter shot back, "but who will clean up all the mess?"

Untitled Document A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like, "Yes, honey, we used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a huge old oak tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. Before dinner, we'd pick wild raspberries along the fence by the field."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "Oh, Mama! I sure wish I'd gotten the know you sooner!"

Untitled Document A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied with a twinkle in her eye.

"Really? Whatever stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

Untitled Document So this woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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A HusbandShopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend. There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says:

Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?" The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?" So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says:

Floor 5: The sign read: Sorry there are no men on this floor! This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day!

Untitled Document Have a nice day, y'all & remember...

Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield!

Untitled Document Scary night at the bar...

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?"

The vampire says, "I vant a pint of blood."

Then bartender then asks the second vampire, and he replies, "Yes... I vant a pint of blood."

The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I vant a pint of plasma."

The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Ok, so that's two bloods and a blood light?"

Untitled Document Marketing...

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience as a marketing executive. Subsequently we've discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your job posting you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Untitled Document Louise was trying hard to get the catchup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's Pastor Ron, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then to the Pastor she said, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now... She's hitting the bottle!"

Untitled Document One day at the veterinarian's office where we take our cat, a man was arguing vehemently with the receptionist.

After a few moments, the vet's assistant came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "do you happen know what happens to aggressive males in this office?

Untitled Document Careful what you ask for

One Friday at camp last summer, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked really stressed...

After I gave her my order, she asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to add to her stress, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."

With that, she took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

Untitled Document When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

"Only to wash the car and mow my lawn," she said.

Untitled Document The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Untitled Document JoAnne's husband dies...

He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend, Marnie that there is no money left.

Marnie says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

JoAnne says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Marnie says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"

JoAnne says, "Three carats."

Untitled Document At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up."

Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return...

"Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

"Hey, chief," his assistant said. "We only have 50 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

Untitled Document Q: How are men's brains are like the prison system?
A: Same problem - not enough cells!

Most men are the same, they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.

Actually women don't make fools of men, most guys...
They're the do-it-yourself types.

Ladies - go for younger men! You might as
well, they never mature anyway.

Q: How are men are like animals?
A: They're messy, insensitive and potentially violent...
but they make great pets!

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men.
Strong, caring, loving, sensitive, gentle, considerate...
They'd be inaccurate, but you could still use them!

If you want a nice man, go for a bald one. They try harder!

Never, never, never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
No doubt he lies about other things, too.

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If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!

If an explorer makes a mistake,
It's a new discovery!

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law!

If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!

If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It's a new style!

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!

If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!

If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!

If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a "MISTAKE!"

Untitled Document The Handyman...

A fellow sees a job published on a building site which read:

"Handy man wanted - Apply within"

So he ambles inside and the following dialogue with the Site Manager takes place:

Manager: Can you drive a forklift?
Applicant: Nope

Manager: Can you lay brick?
Applicant: Nope

Manager: Can you do minor electrical work?
Applicant: Nope

Manager: Can you finish drywall?
Applicant: Uh, Nope

Manager: Have you done any plumbing?
Applicant: Hmmnn... Nope

Manager: So, what's handy about you, buddy?
Applicant: I only live 'bout 7 minutes up the road....

Untitled Document Mr. Rock, the social studies teacher, had just finished a unit on war and peace.

"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.

The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

Jerry's hand shot right up!

"Yes, Jerry?" Mr. Rock called.

"I hate war," Jerry said, "Because wars make history, and I hate history."

Untitled Document EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Untitled Document Just Wondering...

At long last the understanding boss was forced to call Jerry into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at Yankee Stadium that falls during work time, you have to take your Uncle Louis to the chiropractor."

"Come to think of it... you're right, sir," Jerry answered. "I never put it together. Hey! You don't think he's faking it, do you?"

Untitled Document Two elderly gents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Jerry, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How the heck do you feel?"

Jerry pipes up, "Shucks, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Just like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just messed my pants."

Untitled Document Although she was being married in New Hampshire, Louise wanted to add a touch of her home state, Kansas, to the wedding.

Her fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that they were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

His friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

Untitled Document Shelly was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast.

As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, been married the longest & shortest, become the most successful, etc.

Shelly wondered if she was going to get a prize...

Sure enough, the MC called out her name, "Shelly, you win with 10 kids... And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin!"

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Shelly giggled... "It should be obvious with 10 little ones that I've never had a headache!"

Untitled Document The 10 Commandments of Bureaucracy

1 Preserve thyself.

2 It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3 A penny saved is an oversight.

4 Information deteriorates upward.

5 The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6 Experience: what you get just after you need it.

7 For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.

8 Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9 To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10 There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Untitled Document Sam and Louise were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church twice a year, at Christmas and Easter...

As they were leaving the church, the pastor said, "Sam, it sure would be nice to see you and Louise here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Sam, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the pastor said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Sam said proudly, "Louise keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

Untitled Document A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled
women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the woman.

Untitled Document Dr. Thomas was making his rounds at DePaul General Hospital and walked into the private room to examine old Mrs. Johnson.

After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the old biddy, "I've been practicing all night!"

Untitled Document A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children.

On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer.

The Pastor also ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them.

Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug.

"What was that all about"? He asked.

She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40!"

Untitled Document Dr. Sharp

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that? You've never even spoken to him!"

"What's the mystery? You said he's 13, right?"

Untitled Document When Suzy and I went down to the Georgia coast a couple of months ago, we decided to stay in one of those quaint little bed & breakfasts.

The clerk asked me if we wanted a room with a shower or a tub.

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."

Untitled Document Seen in rural American Kitchens...

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen...
Just vending machines.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen...
This here this kitchen is delirious.

Housework done properly can kill you.

No husband has ever been shot...
while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Husband - (n.) someone who takes out the trash and gives
the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Caution: Cook At Work!

Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself.
Mom's off duty.

Untitled Document Two brawny men came to our house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen...

Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, my wife asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $35 service fee, since it was not in their contract. She really had no choice but to pay them.

Soon after they left, however, the doorbell rang.

It was one of two men. He asked my wife to move her car, which was blocking their van.

"Fine," she smiled, "My fee is $35."

Untitled Document The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity.

One ambitious young fellow knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked, "Well speak up there! What do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-ma'am?" the Tenderfoot stammered.

"See here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" ask the old biddy.

"S-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"