www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes


Untitled Document "Thanks to the invention of the telescope, planets that are 100 billion miles away look to be only 50 billion miles away." --John Wagner

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"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each other." --Gene Autry

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In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar... ...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his hands. --(Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)


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Talking Dogs

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a best sentence can be my top dog."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."

The Bulldog says, "I don't like liver and cheese, but I will get it for you anytime."

The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

Guess who got to be the top dog?



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Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."



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Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."


Untitled Document "You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." --Scott Ostler

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I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.' --Dave George

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"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at first sight." --Ashton Kutcher, actor, philosopher


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Unruly Child

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.



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The Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"



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Dress Code

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company


Untitled Document "A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!" --Craig Kilborn

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"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores." --Jay Leno

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"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting your drinking buddy?" --Dave Letterman


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Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"


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Letter to School

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Edna


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If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer.

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// actually stands for.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.


Untitled Document "Last night's crowd - God were they horrible. I hate talking about people when they're not here, but they were bad...They got upset when they found out Oprah wasn't giving away new cars!" --David Letterman

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"The oldest bank robber in the United States, a 92-year-old man in Texas, has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. This is what scares me about our prison system. You know with good behavior he could be out and back on the streets by the time he's 98." --Jay Leno

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"The government is trying to track terrorists by tricking them into logging onto adult web sites. The good news - they think they caught Bill Clinton." --Craig Kilborn


Untitled Document I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.

A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.

I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.

I work for a living, I don't live for working.

With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!

Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."

Without geometry, life is pointless.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?

Yes, I'm lost . . . but I'm making GREAT time!

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.


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Carol's Gun

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."



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Age is a Funny Thing

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well . . .... You'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm ... Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach?"



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New Element Found

The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.



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Here are the top 10 signs you may be an Internet Geek...

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"


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Fined

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.

"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."



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Source for Accurate Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT



Untitled Document "Bulgaria and Ukraine announced they're considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, the troops will be withdrawn as soon as they can find a car that seats 6 people." --Conan O'Brien

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"Last week, the city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey

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"A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal- Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler


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Words of Wisdom

Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards.

Don't do for others what, given the chance, they wouldn't do for themselves.

Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.

If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, then you are all right.

It's good to question authority, but not mine.

Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.

Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

A retired husband is a wife's full time job.

Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in, if they have a bright child.

Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!

Happiness is the place between too little and too much.

Circular arguments often make the rounds.

Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.

When in doubt. . . mumble.

Money can't buy everything . .but then again, neither can no money.



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School Zone

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!



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Roof Leak

Mr. Kramer had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Kramer scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"


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Technical Issues with License

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."



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WAYNE COUNTY FRIEND OF THE COURT UPDATE

Custody Hearing in Detroit

Detroit, MI. -- A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


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Windy

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered,

"We take the rocks out of our pockets."



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Walking on Water

All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Roger's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Roger stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Roger went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Roger's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."



Untitled Document "The lady at the bank asked, 'What do you want on your checks, wildlife, scenery?' I said, 'I want a picture of a big, thicknecked guy on my checks. A bouncer - that's what my checks are going to be.'" -Bob Kubota

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"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals salary plus forty bucks." -Jeffrey Jena

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"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an engagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by accident." -Jake Johannsen


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Home Economics For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill.

15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.

16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.


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Black Market Drugs

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.

The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."



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Fly Ball

My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Cincinnati Reds one night.

Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.

Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.

As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says... "That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?"



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Texas traffic

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.

I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told,

"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."



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Only In America

Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put, our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we will not miss a call from someone we did not want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 


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Plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."


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Camping

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.

"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."



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Nearsighted

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.



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The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker...

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."


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Dinner Party

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"



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Marvin

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Marvin gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"



Untitled Document "After 25 years Ted Koppel did his last show tonight at "Nightline". Immediately after the show he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild." --Conan O'Brien

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"Let me ask you a question. Is it too soon to be hitting on Jessica Simpson?" --Dave Letterman

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"Did you all go shopping this weekend? Huge crowds at the mall. Shoppers were looking for those bargains. In fact, the 99-cent store here Burbank having a huge "one-percent- off" sale. --Jay Leno


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Word Contest

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.

-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



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Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."



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Bridal Registry

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."



Untitled Document "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter." --Aaron Ruell as Kip in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

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"Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question." --Jeremy Piven as 'Droz' in PCU

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"The crew on the space station were able to watch the big Paul McCartney concert. They are 250 miles up. And you thought your seats sucked! They still had to pay $50 a ticket!" --Jay Leno


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Unavoidable Laws of Life...

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)



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Cross Country

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."



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School Age

Billy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Billy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What?" he asked. "Again?"