A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I
believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man
in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir,"
answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me, but I was deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
I finally stopped, looked back at the clubhouse, cupped my hands and shouted....
"Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second
A carnival, which included a huckster with an elephant, was travelling through a small town. The huckster was offering people $100 if they could make the elephant nod its head up and down. Many people tried, but no one was successful. Finally, a small quiet individual appeared and timidly asked if he could try.
He promptly walked around the elephant and gave it a good swift kick in the backside. The elephant was so surprised, it jerked its head up and down. The little man pocketed his $100 and walked away.
The following year, the same carnival returned, with the same huckster and the same elephant. The huckster had decided to make sure he wouldn't lose any more money in this town, so he offered $500 to anyone who could make the elephant nod its head up and down, then shake it from side to side.
Again, many people tried. They pulled the elephant's ears, pulled its tail, tickeled it, etc., but no one was successful. Finally, the same little man appeared and asked if he could try. The huckster was so sure the deed was impossible that he readily agreed.
The little man walked around to the front of the elephant and looked it in the eye.
"Do you remember me?" he asked. The elephant vigorously nodded its head up and down.
"Do you want me to do that again?" he asked. The elephant quickly shook its head from side to side.
The little man pocketed his $500 and walked away, smiling.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordinance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it! It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
10. Black Highlighter
9. Braille Driver's Manual
8. Clear Correction Fluid
7. Fake Rhinestones
6. Inflatable Dart Board
5. Mesh Umbrella
4. Motorcycle Air Conditioner
3. Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
2. Super-glue Post-it Notes
AND THE NUMBER ONE STUPID INVENTION?
1. The system that allows you to report power failures via the Internet
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting
him to swallow the pill!!!"
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on 'Gilligan's Island' can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if he is going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner show had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your a--?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park right next to the bike path and catch some shuteye. Small communities being friendly places, he did not know what he was in for...
Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a biker standing there, "Excuse me sir but can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:15."
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another biker.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah. It's 6:26."
The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which simply read
"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME"
He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.
Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another biker.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
The jogger replied, "It's 6:34."
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No, I think my nail-biting is worse!" she replied, "Now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them too."
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly three hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's way too late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Great," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Keywords and their meanings.
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (without raised eyebrows)
This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH
Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH
One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your
best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"
Scott sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott. "View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Scott.
"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $2,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $8,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!"
Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?"
Scott points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."
The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies before."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's butt?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's butt."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though!"
-- A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
-- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
-- The little league puts you on waivers.
-- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
-- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
-- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked "Zurich".
-- Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
-- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
-- A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
-- Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
-- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
-- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
-- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
-- There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
-- They pay your wages out of petty cash.
-- You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
-- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Mother: "How's your research paper coming, hon?"
Daughter: "Well, my prof suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful."
Daughter: "Oh, yes, Mom! It's great... So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
A friend of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Oh, be still, my heart," thought my friend, "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like fries with that?"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section of his spread through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of his bull.
On the way to the courthouse, the attorney cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take just half of what he was asking, in cash.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the money, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success...
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won this case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. And the worst part is I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. . ."
The old rancher chuckled... "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was
a mite worried about winning that case myself, because durned if that ole bull
didn't come mosey-in' backhome this morning."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. . .
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes toget the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop asks, "C'mon... What's up with this??"
The guy says, "Tonight I was the designated decoy."
3M and Goodyear: New company to be named m-m-m-Good
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company to be named Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company to be named Honey I'm Home
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company to be named Zip Audi Do-Da
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company to be named Poly Warner Cracker
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company to be named Deere Abi
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips, Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Garage Man's Companion
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Send Another Automobile Back
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
How do you identify a bald eagle? All of his feathers are combed to one side.
Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
** Air Head Fired **
** Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft **
** Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board **
** Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy **
** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors **
** Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees **
** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half **
** Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge **
** New Vaccine May Contain Rabies **
** Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni **
** Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff **
** Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge **
** Steals Clock, Faces Time **
** New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group **
** Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead **
** Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing **
** Kids Make Nutritious Snacks **
** Deer Kill 17,000 **
** Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing **
** British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply **
** Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire **
Two's Company, Three's...
It's Always Darkest Before...
Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The...
Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of...
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But...
Better Be Safe Than...
Punch A 5th Grader.
Don't Bite The Hand That...
No News Is...
A Miss Is As Good As A...
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New...
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll...
Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust..
An Idle Mind Is...
The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's...
Happy The Bride Who...
Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is...
The Pen Is Mightier Than The...
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What...
You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...
You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not...
Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You...
See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind...
Get Out Of The Way.
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster,so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet.
But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD!"
The bear froze.......
The forest was silent............
Even the river stopped moving.
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT?
"AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
In Sunday School, they were teaching how the Lord God created everything, including people. Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side, Mom... I think I'm
going to have a wife."
Signs seen around the USA
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from women to politics to cooking.
"You know, I got a cookbook once," said Ben, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, right?" asked the Sam.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same darn way - I couldn't
get past it, 'Take a clean dish. . ."
The following are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Interest expense (tax on the money)
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Local Income Tax
Marriage License Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes (Truckers)
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
THINK ABOUT THIS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the HELL happened?
** During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
** The patient before you was a goat.
** The local bar association named him "client of the year."
** All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series".
** Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
** The 60 Minutes crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
** He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
** He has an assistant named Igor.
** You can beat him in a game of Operation.
** He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words... and that says it all.
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. . . He came out all right."
"How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!"
"Economic Forecast: It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. . .Talk to the Shepherd."
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. Hey, if I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
C'mon, if I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Ugh.... Twenty-six," he said.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday & Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
"Mr. Abernathy, I have reviewed your case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," Abernathy said. "And just to
show there's no hard feelings, every now and then I'll try to send her a few
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You're getting old when 'tying one on' means fastening your Medic-Alert bracelet.
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: The less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
I don't date women my age. . . There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A mathematician is a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases
the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."