We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.
Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"
The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"
The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"
A salesman for a mobile home dealership had a customer call him about this problem:
The customer called and said she was having problems with her air conditioner.
She said, "Mr. X, we are about to freeze to death! I keep turning it down but it won't turn off!"
Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.
"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way you do, I think I'd also retire from baseball."
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".
"Why not", he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
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A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.
"I am learning to drive," was the reply.
"What? without an instructor ?" exclaimed the officer.
"Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course.
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"
Reluctantly, the helicopter left.
The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.
At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"
St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.
As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says,
"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.
Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "No!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- She studied for a blood test.
- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- She sold the car for gas money!
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno
"Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno
"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno
"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
Here's an idea.
Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.
The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.
Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.
The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.
"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."
Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.
"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?"
"I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.
The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."
"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several were already lying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started.
Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars."
So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher
"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman
"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno
"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher
"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno
"On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman
"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher
"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno
"None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?