www.jdunman.com's Last 48 Jokes


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Went to a Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"


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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.


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Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."


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Attractive Male Faces

UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat where the sun don't shine while he's on fire.


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Murphy's Laws of Work

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.


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Lacking All Religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."


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Quips from Late Night

"You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? ... I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. He did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us." --Jay Leno

"This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. ... The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a half hours to give an award for editing. ... I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting" --David Letterman

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, 'I wanted to give the kid a chance'" --Conan O'Brien


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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!


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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.


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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.


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Don't Touch Me

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."


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Life

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"


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Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.


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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!


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Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.


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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.


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20,000 Cockroaches

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.


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Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.


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Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”


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Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.


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Wacky Americans

- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.


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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.


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Americans Are Wacky

- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

- We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.


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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")


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Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"


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Calf Value

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."


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Helping To Clean The Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"


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Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."


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Price of a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


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Quips from Late Night

"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, "One of my heroes," and then called him a liar. So, I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much." --Jay Leno

"This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno


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Meeting the Big Guy

A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"


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King of the Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"


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The Less You Know, The More You Make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.


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Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."


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Sales Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.


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The Good of a Bad Relationship

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first!"


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The Slow Racehorse

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."


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Mental Release

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."


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Placing Your Order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."


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Behaviorist Solution

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."


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Diagnosis

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civilian life to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civilian life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."


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Dumb Criminal

A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.


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Do You Have The Time

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."


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Confusing Genie

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"


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Biting Nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."


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10 commandments

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post:

Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.


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Age Quotes

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. -- Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. -- John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. -- Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. == Geoffrey Parfitt


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All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"