I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to take a walk."
Picture this... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the
Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They
not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. "
The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address is "email@example.com"
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
- Come to work in your pajamas.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is a different gender than you are.)
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading jokes on the web.
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b...h." --
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.
- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants
who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants
who performed satanic practices in your house.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay
out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book."
The librarian says: "You want a book?"
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"
The librarian says: "Now you want two books?"
So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book."
So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on.
The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into
the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog.
The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says: "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Rich Jeni
-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT!
- If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
The element, tentatively, named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass." answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type
in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer
will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni
- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company, who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday,
bought her a typewriter instead.
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"
A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well, he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which read:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman
"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno
"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael" --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating
"I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was happy with my long distance surveillance." --Bill Maher
"I signed up for a new calling plan today. The 'NSA Friends and Family' plan. A $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family." --Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time." --Jay Leno
"In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records, Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. to The phone companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m." --Tina Fey
"The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut capital gains
and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program."
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks
fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs,
they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Also: Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are
landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his
"cah," the lost "r's" migrate southwest, causing a Texan
to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and, indeed, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror
on your car!"
Why Yawning Is Contagious
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to
even it out.
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone
inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try going to
bed with a mosquito in the room"
- African proverb
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother, She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman, She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more.
An intelligent blonde was opening her morning paper, when she noticed a page filled from top to bottom with blonde jokes. Needless to say, this put her in a very bad mood, which continued as she drove to work. On her way there, she happened to glance out the driver's side window, where there was a vast field of tall grass.
In the middle of the field sat another blonde in a rowboat, pulling away at the oars as fast as she could go, even though the boat, naturally, wasn't moving. The intelligent blonde pulled over, jumped out of her car, and shouted to the blonde in the rowboat, "It's blondes like you who give us all a bad name!"
The blonde in the rowboat paused in her rowing and shouted back, "Yeah?
Well if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
- "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- "The coffee machine is broken."
- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
- "... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man.
Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't
hurt as much."
It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.
It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights (continued from yesterday):
- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if
he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why
he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached
down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need
to get a new desk."
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,
* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male
* 70 would be non-white
* 30 would be white
* 70 would be non-Christian
* 30 would be Christian
* 95 would be heterosexual
* 5 would be homosexual
* 6 people would own 59% of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States
* 80 would live in substandard housing
* 70 would be unable to read
* 50 would suffer from malnutrition
* 1 would be near death
* 1 would be near birth
* 1 would have a college education
* 1 would own a computer
* 0 would play oboe
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."
The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "Back in Vietnam!"
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.
So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound.
Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.
Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?"
And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."
"Naw," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was
tied up to a railroad tie."
When you are sad,
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scummy bastard who made you sad.
When you are scared,
I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,
I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.
When you are confused,
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.
When you are sick.
I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain God.
When you fall,
I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
This is my oath.
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as
well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him.
He says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!"
So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and says, "Say, I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt."
The rancher says, "I was too, but you don't have to take my word for it-- my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything."
The cop says to the wife, "So? How about it, ma'am?"
And the wife says: "I've been married to Buck for twenty years, officer,
and one thing I've learned in all that time is this - you never argue with him
when he's drunk."
So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!"
The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people."
So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!"
"You met the Pope?" asked the barber.
"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"
"The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still beats his dad's record by two hours, so it's pretty good." --Jay Leno
"This I a bit of a scandal. The police at the scene did not give him a sobriety test, and they gave him a ride home. I'm not saying he got special treatment, but they also tucked him into bed and put a trash can next to it in case he had to throw up." --Bill Maher
"Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno
"The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spent more time giving bad intelligence to his family." --David Letterman
"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno
[On Bush saying Porter Goss 'led ably'] "Ouch. That guy must have sucked.
I mean f'gosh sakes, Mike Brown drowned New Orleans and he got 'heckuva job.'
George Tenet thought WMDs were a slam dunk. He got the Presidential Medal of
Freedom. Led ably? I think the last guy who was said to have led ably was Gary
Cherone when he took over Van Halen. You do not want to be the poor man's Sammy
Hagar." --Jon Stewart
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway
with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into
the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.